Bachelorette Fantasy League: Double Trouble

Week 4

Welcome back, league.  We pick up with the DRAMA around our super new BFFs, Clint and JJ.  Someone out there decided that we wanted to see this; so we get an entire segment devoted to it.   Clint tells us that he and JJ are “best best best” friends, and Kaitlyn takes some issue with that.  Earth to Kaitlyn, if you fight with a guy this much after meeting him just this week, maybe you don’t want to commit to foreverlove with him.  Kaitlyn takes this commissioner’s advice and sends him packing.  (Breaking news, Clint is already in Tulum, Mexico for Bachelor in Paradise.  He’s just sitting on the beach, waiting for it to start.)  JJ basically smacks Clint over the head with a steel chair, asking him to apologize to the group.  This was cold blooded, and I loved it.  Bromance: over.  You know what they say: “All’s fair in love and OH MY GOD CAN I GET 5 MORE SECONDS ON TV BY SELLING MY FRIEND OUT?!?!? DONE!!!!”  So so many bleeps in the bro-down between Clint and JJ which culminate in JJ crying.  I looked it up, and none of you picked JJ as the first crier.  For shame, league.   Chris Harrison walks in and tells us he’s sorry to interrupt everything.  This is a lie.  Chris Harrison has made a successful career out of interrupting situations like these.

With Clint’s departure, we are off to New York.  ABC was so excited to reunite Kaitlyn with her men in Manhattan that they put her on the Staten Island ferry.  Are they trying to kill her?  She hopes that this week is nothing but smooth sailing.  A) the Staten Island Ferry is not, nor has it ever resembled, a sailboat and B) you’ve seen this show before, you know it won’t be.

We get to our first group date.  Kaitlyn is excited to get these guys into a rap battle in New York.  Urban music historian that she is, Kaitlyn tells us that New York is the home of hip hop.  Breaking News: Kaitlyn Bristowe is now dead.  Dr. Dre and the rest of NWA took that last comment rather personally, and they have killed her.  After decades of peace, the East vs. West hip hop war is back on.  Sorry people; you can thank Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn declares that this is the worst rap battle she’s ever seen.  Granted, the only other rap battle she has ever seen was in 8 Mile; so I think she might have set the bar a little high…

With Doug E Fresh as their (very available) mentor, the bros choose their opponents.  In a shocking series of events, the guys clamor to select Not Jonathan as their opponent.  We pan the crowd, and the club is PACKED with white women aged 22-40.  Who knew that this was the target demo for urban rap battles? We see Ashley I with Nick.  [Editor’s note: Ashley I looked pretty hot last night.  She chiseled off a little makeup… hair looked somewhat normal…  Nice work, Ashley I].  Nick, on the other hand, is a thirsty little bitch.  I think the reason that Josh and Andi broke up is that Josh didn’t beat the shit out of Nick after he told the world that Andi gave it up on the show.   I will devote only the minimal amount of ink/pixels to Nick in this space.  The silver lining is that Kaitlyn invited Nick to hang with her after getting her hair did.  Following a girl to her hair appointment puts you in the HOV express lane to the Friend Zone, Nick.  Closers do not follow ladies to hair appointments.

After getting her hair done, Kaitlyn meets Jared (who needs the hair appointment far more than she) at the Met.   Jared arrives in the ground floor lobby and Kaitlyn is patiently waiting for him on the ~15th floor.  They spend what seems like 10 minutes walking towards each other on the stairs.  Why must they walk such great distances to meet each other at dates?  Why can’t Jared just be waiting at the front door when Kaitlyn’s limo pulls up?  Wouldn’t this be easier for everyone?  Anyway, it’s the dreaded “glam date”.  They get all glammed up and awkwardly have dinner in a fancy setting.  Kaitlyn likes that Jared is down to earth.  Managers of the Chili’s Too at the Providence Airport tend not to have pretense, Kaitlyn.  Jared then reads Kaitlyn a poem.  We have another nominee for shitty gift.   Historically, this date has a high probability of sending Jared home, but he survives.  I must confess, however, Jared rocks the shawl collar pretty strongly.  Respect, bro.  Wait, I forgot we’re in New York…. Re2pect, bro.  He even gets a helicopter ride out of it.  Chris Harrison takes us to commercial with “Will Brady and Britt find love?”  Earth to Chris Harrison, no one cares.

Back at the hotel, we get our second date card.  Chris’s (Cupcake) name gets called, and JJ offers a fist bump.  Cupcake could not have ignored it more.  Everyone in this house hates JJ.  Props to Corey and Jonathan for rocking the complimentary hotel slippers, too.  Kaitlyn arrives and announces that she does not “like the energy” in the room.  You MADE it like this when you brought Thirsty Nick onto the show!

I did enjoy the Broadway audition date.  Even if this was a (very) lame plug for a Disney musical (that we can only assume is struggling at the box office), it was a solid group date setting.  So much better than sex-ed class.  Ian hits some pretty high notes (probably because his jeans are size 26) while Ben H tells us that these actors perform this show “8 days a week”.  The Dentist gets selected to be an extra on stage with Kaitlyn.  The best part of the episode was the two of them, in costume, walking through the bowels of the theatre to the stage.  They passed at least a dozen other extras.  The looks of disdain on their faces read: “We worked countless hours and sacrificed the best years of our lives so that we MIGHT get a shitty extra part in a Broadway play, and you mopes just waltz right in.  We hate you.”

Once again, we have no rose ceremony because Chris Harrison hates me and the scoring system we have devised.  The only scoring update is Clint going home.  Who needs bonus points? Anna stays atop the pack; but Angela and Dan H continue to climb the leaderboard, as they have 12 and 11 (respectfully, out of 14) correct picks.  A lot of people are still in the hunt (13 people within 20 points).  If Kaitlyn decides to ever kick somebody off the show again, we might see some movement in the standings.  Have a great week, everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Name Week 1 Week 2 Week 3 Week 4 Bonus Original Picks Bonus Total
Rachel 16 24 33 36 20 10 139
DanH 15 28 39 44 0 10 136
Nathaniel 17 24 33 40 10 10 134
Angela 15 24 36 48 0 10 133
Megan 15 24 33 40 10 10 132
AlisonG 16 24 36 44 10 0 130
Margot 15 24 33 36 10 10 128
Carrie 16 26 36 40 0 10 128
Estep 16 26 36 40 0 10 128
AllisonH 14 22 33 36 10 10 125
Pulscher 15 26 33 40 0 10 124
Anna B 15 24 33 40 10 0 122
Kyle 15 24 33 40 0 10 122
Jamie 15 22 33 40 0 10 120
Colleen 16 24 33 36 0 10 119
Bledsoe 15 24 33 36 0 10 118
Rory 15 22 33 36 0 10 116
Franco 16 24 36 40 0 0 116
Rebekah 14 22 30 40 0 10 116
Kelly 16 22 30 36 0 10 114
Matt F 14 22 30 36 0 10 112
Charlie 14 22 30 36 0 10 112
Anisha 14 22 27 28 10 10 111
Taneja 15 20 30 36 0 10 111
Colin 14 20 27 36 0 10 107
Juliana 15 18 24 28 10 10 105
BrianO 15 22 27 28 0 10 102
Rhiannon 15 22 27 28 0 10 102
Courtney 15 22 30 32 0 0 99
Liz 15 20 24 28 0 10 97
Cuche 15 20 27 32 0 0 94

 

 

Week 3

League,

And we’re back.  Sorry for the late entry here, folks.  With no cable/internet at home, we are in the dark.  Thanks to America’s strongest 4G LTE signal (and $1.99 paid to Google Play store), I was able to download last night’s episode and watch with Mrs. Commish.

We pick back up with Kupah going bananas on the driveway.  I initially applauded Kupah’s pulling of the race card.  That is a guaranteed, sure fire way to ensure you stick around one week longer.  There is a 0% chance Kaitlyn would have sent him home after he mentions that he’s just being kept around to fill a racial quota.  BUT he overplayed his hand and eventually went a little crazy.  I don’t think he understands how sound works.  If you say words, Kupah, other people can hear them if they’re nearby.  Kaitlyn hears Kupah losing it and sends him home.  Tony remarks that this is “a weird f’ing night” and then talks about how he needs to get home to his bonsai trees.  Right, Tony. Because it’s the night that’s weird…

We wake up the next morning to the sound of a gong and sight of ~1,000 lb worth of sumo wrestlers.  The hunks will be sumo wrestling each other.  JJ (and whoa, look at the enormous shoulder tat) announces that he “love[s] Japanese culture” because he eats sushi.  On a related note, I am totally into Korean culture (my wife works at Samsung).  We go to the sumo exhibition and someone not named Chris Harrison is on the mic to make introductions.  JJ gives us his first (and most likely, last) redeeming moment by doing a little pre-match Hulkamania in the ring.   Later, at the cocktail part of the date, JJ tells us that time with Kaitlyn is a “commodity”.  JJ is clearly trying to impress future Wall St. employers with his use of banker words, but I think he might have thrown a little shade at Kaitlyn with this comment.  The good thing is that he has no idea that he gave her an underhanded compliment.  And Clint is shocked that his strategy of complete apathy didn’t get him the date rose.  Moving on…

After the wrestling; Tony tells us that he has the heart of a warrior (false), spirit of a gypsy (whatever), and the eyes of a child (yawn).  He also has the maturity level of a teenage girl.   He has serious issues being here (just as we have serious issues with him being there) and tells Kaitlyn that he’s not so sure he can find true love in this setting.  ZOMG FOR REALZEES, TONY?!?!?!?!   Ian tries to mediate the situation between Tony and Kaitlyn and ends up using the word “upsetness” in the process.  Nice work, Princeton.  Tony, sporting a killer poncho that actually belonged to me in 1991, proclaims he is not a quitter as he literally quits the show.  Goodbye.  Please don’t randomly return later in the season.

Ben Z gets the lone 1-1 date at some haunted house.  It has birds; which, we discover, terrify Kaitlyn.  They scare her so much that she got two birds tattooed on her arms.  As they’re navigating their way through this haunted house (room??), we discover that it’s a gas chamber as well.  Why couldn’t we get Tony, JJ, and Clint on the gas chamber date?  To escape the room, sans gas, they have to solve a series of clues.  I totally expected this to be one of those lame partnerships (like when they make them watch the latest Disney movie…IN THEATERS THIS SUMMER!!!) and have Dan Brown there, plugging his new book.  Sadly, not the case.  Ben Z did luck out, though.  He gets to put on expandable pants, drink wine, and have pizza on the couch.  This is an ideal date night at the O’Neil household.  On the couch, Ben Z tells us that he hasn’t cried since the Clinton administration.  Gee, I wonder if he cries on this season???  This guy is clearly in the driver’s seat this season.  The season is his to lose.

The group sex ed date, yawn.  We are glossing over this because it was stupid.  Below are the actual notes I took while watching this segment:

  • And we’re teaching sex ed to child actors?
  • I did like how they arrived in a school bus
  • Seriously, why are we doing this?
  • Whose idea was this?
  • I hope someone got fired for this
  • I’m not talking about this anymore
  • Jared is a loser…he said “nucular”

Back at the mansion, we get a lot of airtime devoted to the budding bromance of Clint and JJ.  This reporter thinks it was all an act…that these guys are also auditioning for BrosBeingBasic.  We shall see, as there is no way Clint makes it past the next episode.

Rachel continues to hold the lead, but Nathaniel is right behind.  Dan Harrison has made the most correct picks, and is right in the hunt even without any bonus points.

The official league judge has ruled that, while there were many candidates on Monday, Ian was the first to actually snitch to Kaitlyn.  Congrats to Allison Hannel for being the only league member to predict that.  10 points to her.  I also want to point out to our league judge that Jonathan had a really deep V neck in this episode.  Everyone else be on the lookout for egregiously deep v neck shirts.  See you all next week!

The Commish

Week 2

Sorry for the hiatus, folks.  I was at an actual wedding this weekend (not a made-for-TV Bachelor wedding officiated by Chris Harrison). A few of you submitted some ranking changes, and they will be be reflected in next week’s scores.  There were no scoring changes last night. As hard as Kupah tried, no one officially was dismissed from the show.  The next rose ceremony (which I assume will be held at the beginning of next week’s episode) will be worth 2 pts per hunk; and if there’s another ceremony at the end of next week, that will be 3 pts/hunk.  Also, earth to Chris Harrison; just because you insert a lot of “to be continued’s” into the show in post-production, that doesn’t automatically make it the MOST DRAMATIC season of television ever.  It just doesn’t. Before I get more worked up than Kupah, let’s move on…

We get a flyover of what appears to be a Mulholland Drive type street with a random, secluded house on it.  We discover that this is Kaitlyn’s house.  In past seasons, the leading man/woman was pretty much on-site at the mansion.  We can only assume that she was moved off site because Farmer Chris entertained too many babes in hot tub soirees in the guest house last season, right?  I invite the league to submit their own theories as to why we’re at a new house all of a sudden.

For our group date this week, we’re going to the gym with Laila Ali.  Why why why do we do a boxing date?  They do this every few years, and someone ALWAYS gets hurt.  On second thought, can we get Tony the Healer in there?  I think we all want to see him get his ass kicked, right? (even though his America vest was pretty awesome)  And there he is…Chris Harrison on the mic.  I am actually disappointed that the 3rd Buffer brother, Barney, was not made available for this.  Really disappointed.   HOWEVA, all that disappointment went away when I saw the fight card the producers put together.  They put Ben Z (who a: is built like a rhinoceros and b: had a cup of coffee in the NFL) out there against the fashion designer (this was a bigger mismatch than a dude from Allentown vs. Presutti in Bengal Bouts).  Then they put him against Corey (on whom he has 50 lb.)  The results were exactly what you think they were.  Those two fights were each 1,000X more entertaining than any moment of Mayweather-Pacquiao.  The personal highlight for me was Ben H working the speed bag with mild success, then looking up at the (African-American) trainer sand saying “there’s some rhythm there, right?”  So rich.  Another moment of note from this date was Ben Z (my horse in this race) bringing up his sob story.  The proven strategy on this show is to save those sob stories until you are on the brink of elimination and need them most…he went pretty aggressive here.  Hope it works out for him.

The Boz got a 1-1 photo shoot date, and it was really boring.  Also, everyone on the planet knows that Brady did not knock on Britt’s door as she’s (fake) crying to her mom on the phone.  Moving on…

Our group stand-up date always has a lot of potential.  We’ve seen many contestants moved to tears in stand-up-dates past.  You have to toe that line between how real is too real and how real is funny.  Isn’t Amy Schumer too cool/bigtime for The Bachelorette?  She has to be.  I was amazed ABC got her. Tony the Healer must be a hit at parties, right?  He mentions that he’s not here for Kaitlyn, he’s here “for us”.  ???  Get this guy out of here.  Also, where does he get the suits he wears for the cocktail parties?  No chance he owns a suit, right?  I can imagine Chris Harrison as the maître d’ of a swanky restaurant as Tony arrives on set.  “I’m sorry Tony, but we require pants at this establishment.  Since you clearly have never worn pants, I am happy to provide you with a pair.”

Meanwhile, JJ makes a strong play for this season’s leading villain.  He tells us he’s 90% smarter than the audience.  I think there’s a 90% chance his daughter has already disowned him.  Also, he isn’t a real banker, right?  No chance.  He’s not even good at being a dick.  He probably does equity research and stays above Houston at all times, so he can avoid running into real bankers.

The cocktail party is (yawn) moving along.  Ian reminds Kaitlyn twice that he went to Princeton (color me SHOCKED that an Ivy Leaguer goes out of his way to tell you where he went to school)…  JJ is being a dick… The other guys are passive aggressively talking about how much of a dick JJ is behind his back (what does this ever accomplish?!?!?!)… and HOLY SHIT KUPAH.  Wow.  Kupah lobbing some serious bombs at Kaitlyn…and the show in general. No one is here to hear me talk about race relations (in the country or on the show), but; wow, Kupah. Wow.  I feel like playing the race card is a brilliant way to ensure you remain on the set of this show for another week, but he really went way overboard with it.  And then he couldn’t keep his mouth shut to the bros.  Idiot. This guy is donezo.

 

Again, no score changes this week (Damn you, Chris Harrison!!!), but I do expect multiple rose ceremonies next week.  Lots of movement next week. Get excited.

Week 1

League,

We. Are. Back.

It’s been way too long. We have added several new members, and the state of our league is strong. Everything about this season (outside of the lame lame selection of dudes) looks promising. Here we go…

We get a few videos intros from the guys. Josh is a stripper, Joshua drives a fancy antique truck in Idaho that’s definitely not his truck, and Ian….wow, Ian. Ian was hit by a car after graduating from Princeton (I checked, there’s no Princeton Tech out there…pretty sure he went to the real thing). He says a team of doctors had to put his body back together. Mission accomplished, team of doctors.

Your benevolent commish is on record saying that Kaitlyn wasn’t hot enough to be the bachelorette last season. Let me take this opportunity to formally apologize to you and to Kaitlyn. She was an absolute stunner in the opening episode(s). Britt, yawn. Whatever. I feel like Britt has spent every summer of her entire life at Bachelorette camp. She’s been training for this moment her entire life, and she still sucks at it. Take a shower.

Chris Harrison greets the ladies, and now it’s time for the limos. Bring on the hunks. Mrs Commish: “The dudes have to CHOOSE which one to say hello to first? Chris Harrison, you magnificent bastard.” The first few limos are rather bland. The only one who caught my eye was Kupah. The fuck are you wearing, Kupah? Are you from The Matrix? Here are the nominees for best limo intro gimmick:

  • Jared: Loveman…he should be forced to get a vasectomy for this
  • JJ: “I’d love to puck you”
  • Bradley: Tennis racket and headband
  • Josh: Striptease
  • Joe: Moonshine (BTW, no chance that was actually moonshine. I’ve seen the suitcases these contestants bring to the mansion…no chance he carried on the plane AND got that >3 oz. jar of moonshine past TSA)
  • Justin: Helium….yawn
  • Tanner: Brought a pack of tissues???
  • Shawn: Carpool car “I was afraid the dudes were gonna pee in our tub, so I brought my own”
  • Chris: Cupcake car

As always, we refer all subjective bonus points to our official league judge, Doug Cannon. Doug, what say you on best limo intro gimmick?

On to the cocktail party we go. Guys are being pretty honest (on camera, no less) about which babe they prefer. That’s probably not a great strategy. Jonathan, a true trailblazer, is the first to publicly suggest the idea of a threesome. Well played, bro. It had to be said. Ben H bonds with Britt over the fact that they’ve both adopted children in 3rd world countries. Ben also seemed a little too excited that his sponsored child just turned 18. Britt tells Tony, whom she’s known for all of 30 seconds, that she has a deep understanding of who he is. This is untrue.   Clint (who I think might actually be The Boz) sketches Chris Harrison riding a TRICERATOPS. Brady’s voice is SO SMOOTH. I can only assume his breath is laced with rohypnol.

I don’t use this word very often…I try to avoid it… but Ryan M is a hero. He had to be a plant by the producers (his sentences were far too coherent for him to have actually been bombed), but he delivered two of the most amazing lines in Bach history: “you do suck, by the way” and “I didn’t do anything, besides be awesome”. I really hope we see him again. If Bachelor In Paradise were holding a draft for contestants today, he’s Andrew Luck. You cannot live with yourself if you pass on him.

After a ridiculous To Be Continued, we are back with night two. I hate the Bachelor franchise sometimes. They drag everything along FOREVER. Rose ceremonies that take 5 minutes live take 45 minutes after the edit. This decision to kick off one of the babes will surely take all ni… BOOM SEE YOU LATER BRITT. Leave your weave at the door and head on back to the LAX Hampton Inn. In tears, Britt tells Chris Harrison that this isn’t his fault. Britt, Chris Harrison has already forgotten your name. Don’t you dare try and put any of this on him. Seriously, though. This is a victory for America.   Britt is one of those people you HATED in high school. She got what/whoever she wanted, she never got in trouble for anything, and she was the queen of the world. The schadenfreude I felt for her tears tonight was unlike any I’ve ever felt. And I’m Irish Catholic!!!! I’ve wished a LOT of terrible things on a lot of terrible people in my life. I really didn’t like her. Also, let the countdown begin!!!! 14:59…14:58…14:57…14:56…

Chris Harrison goes to Kaitlyn to tell her the good news. Kaitlyn feigns concern for Britt’s wellbeing, asking if she’s ok. Chris Harrison says “She’s fine”. This is example #1,000,000,000,000 that whenever someone says they’re “fine”, they’re never actually fine. Ever.

Kaitlyn returns to the mansion to a standing O. This is a great moment. Apparently, Kaitlyn has cured cancer. She announces that she’s the luckiest woman on earth. That’s incorrect, Kaitlyn. The luckiest woman on earth is this person. Jonathan is worried that he might not get a rose tonight because he voted for Britt. Jonathan, we’ve been watching this show for a while now, I’m pretty sure you’re a lock to make it past the first night… Unfortunately, local news cut into the second half of our North Texas ABC feed to cover tornado warnings, so I don’t have much else for the Tuesday night episode.

Courtney, Rachel, and Anisha get 1st impression rose bonus points. Well played, ladies.

Brady, Bradley, David, Josh, Ryan M, and Shawn E go home tonight. Sorry, boys. Talk to Tanner, he might have some tissues you can borrow. You’re gonna need them tonight.

Have a great week, league. Catch you next week!

 

Name Week 1 Bonus Total
Rachel 17 10 27
Courtney 17 10 27
Anisha 16 10 26
Colleen 18 0 18
Carrie 18 0 18
Rory 17 0 17
Juliana 17 0 17
Liz 17 0 17
Nathaniel 17 0 17
Margot 17 0 17
DanH 17 0 17
AlisonG 17 0 17
Kyle 17 0 17
Estep 17 0 17
BrianO 17 0 17
Cuche 17 0 17
Jamie 16 0 16
Rhiannon 16 0 16
AllisonH 16 0 16
Megan 16 0 16
Bledsoe 16 0 16
Anna B 16 0 16
Matt F 16 0 16
Rebekah 16 0 16
Kelly 16 0 16
Taneja 16 0 16
Franco 16 0 16
Colin 16 0 16
Pulscher 16 0 16
Angela 15 0 15
Charlie 15 0 15

Introduction

Alright Bach fans. Welcome back to another season of the bachelorette fantasy league.  Our numbers continue to grow, and we expect this to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE FANTASY LEAGUE EVER.  Will Courtney Abbott defend her crown from last season? Will Charlie get it together and put forth an honest effort this time?  Will the league rookies break through and establish themselves? Only time will tell. Now, let’s get to the hunks…

2 Bachelorettes

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